Before my awakening began, my life was a collection of selfish habits. These habits, which I now see as detrimental, slowly chipped away at my physical, mental, and spiritual health, and also of those around me. I lost myself in the superficial gratifications of a modern lifestyle, like mindlessly engaging on social media, or working on “business strategies” that benefited me at the cost of others. Health was an afterthought, completely overshadowed by the relentless pursuit of professional success, material gain, and personal pleasures.

In this disconnected state, my body began to express a lot of pain. Among various health issues, severe breathing problems and sleep apnea were the most alarming, turning my nights into a cycle of gasping for air and waking up in panic. I would wake up suffocating every few hours, and the very thought of sleep filled me with dread. Despite these clear warnings, I continued to ignore my body’s signals, viewing them as mere inconveniences, and relying heavily on antipsychotics and sleeping pills to provide some semblance of relief.

4 years passed in this state.

It was when my body rejected the medication, manifesting allergies, that I was forced to confront the reality I had ignored. Deprived of my only escape, the suppressed pain EXPLODED with and demanded my absolute attention. The pain was constant, dominating every moment of my consciousness. It was more than physical pain; it was an emotional and spiritual crisis that shook the foundations of my identity.

On the darkest night of my soul, each moment felt like an eternity of suffering, and a dark terrifying thought emerged. The pain was so overwhelming that the notion of suicide started to appear as a release—an end to the relentless torment. The thought was not born from courage but from a deep, dark desire to escape the inescapable.

I began to write my last will and testament for my children, and cried for mercy.

Yet, within this darkest moment, a light flickered inside of me. If I could entertain the thought of death as an escape from this relentless torment, then surely, there was nothing in life that I couldn’t face.

This was the beginning of my awakening. Each day became a series of conscious choices, opportunities to stretch myself beyond the day before. I practiced fire breathing, and bathed in ice, not knowing where it would lead.

2 weeks later, my body was exhausted, burnt out, and thin. I was drowning in self loathing and severe spinal pain. I could not sleep nor sit still, because that was the only way that I thought I could breathe. Something had happened, but I did not know what it was.

Then I saw Aaron Abke’s video on Kundalini Awakening, and found 4D University. I knew it would be a BIG mistake not to follow through in the journey I just began, so I joined the day after.

I joined 4DU in a state where I could barely help myself, but 4 weeks later, I am here, writing this post. In the short amount of time here, my focus has shifted from physical well being to the deep, inner understanding of my existence.

The last 4 weeks were not without its challenges; the shadows of despair often returned, but they have lost their grip on my spirit. I have confronted many shadows, and each time in the abyss, discovered an inner source of strength that I hadn’t known existed.

Today as, I begin Week 5 of 4DU, I feel confident in accepting of the root causes of my pain. I can accept them and embrace them as catalysts. I also feel ready to change my beliefs of lacking in love.

The pain that once defined my existence has now been integrated into the narrative of my personal life. It remains a part of my personal self, not as a tormentor, but as a testament to the journey from darkness to light.

As I continue this journey, I do so with the understanding that darkness is not the lack of light, but simply a place from which our true strength is forged.